Taken from a VERY old email that ended up getting saved ,probably my freshmen year of college. I've updated it a bit.  Enjoy!

I am a college student. I live in a 4 x 4 ft cinder blocked prison with no windows.  my roommate has sex, with me in the room....

I am a college student. I have gained 15 pounds or more since August, most of that is....BudLight, my best friend.

I am a college student. I got more ass in the first two weeks of school then in my entire life combined, now I get less than ever. I do the "walk of shame" leaving his/hers room at 7:00am in the same clothes I was in the night before.

I am a college student. I drink Beast from a keg and Busch Light from a can. I will walk in the cold, dark and snow for beer….but refuse to go to class in the same weather.

I am a college student.  If I am female, I wear a Northface jacket, iPod and flip-flops - and have been molested by more then one frat guy on the dance floor!

I am a college student. I have a 2.1 GPA. I have Mono, but don't sleep except during my classes.

I am a college student. I have forgot what privacy is. I never make my 8:00 am class and have hooked up with half the people on my facebook page.

I am a college student. I drink more vodka than water, my savior is the toilet.  I black out for extended periods of time several nights a week.

I am a college student. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease did at the party the night before. I think cigarettes, coffee, cheetos, and Ramen Noodles as being a complete meal.

I am a college student.  I forgot about the love-of-my-life-boyfriend/girlfriend at home, as soon as I stepped foot on campus. I go to bed at 2am and get up at 11 am everyday. I promise myself everyday that tomorrow I will get up and go to that class that I somehow keep sleeping through.

I am a college student!  My computer is used for two purposes - facebook and iTunes. I have gotten in a fight with at least one person in my dorm and we hate each other now.

I am a college student...I think nothing of going to bed at 3:30am on Wacky Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Fucked up Friday, and getting up at 8:00am, still drunk, and go to class. 

I am a COLLEGE STUDENT... Hear me roar!!!

The real lessons I've learned in life are not the pretty "friendship forever" ones. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that waiting till the last minute to study for finals is STUPID. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just real assholes.  I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.  I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because in the long run dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how parents try to protect their children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important annoying ones just never go away. I've learned to say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!" in 6 languages.

Hello you adorable little bastards! It’s me again. I finally bribed the Supreme Court into letting me blog again with a drum of Metamucil and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Old people are so easy to please.

Today at dinner, my friend Shawn and I got to talking about the government (da’ Man) and the various urban legends that shroud it. 

Example: Did the Government have anything to do with the assassination of JFK? 
Answer: I don’t fucking care.
Seriously, if the White House admitted to having “Pretty-boy Kennedy” killed, I would be more concerned about the inevitable shitty movie that Hollywood will release to recreate the event. Kennedy was dead before I was born, they probably had a good reason to terminate him like that (or not, it still doesn’t matter), and it’s obvious that the results of a rich white boy catching lead with his cortex didn’t affect me that much even if he was the president.

 Now that is just an example of one of the topics we covered.  Another issue addressed was that of “alien existence”.  Does the government know?  Probably not.  This still does not change the fact that if aliens in fact DO exist it’s probably at their request that they remain a secret. Face it, if these organisms can travel across light years of space to reach our planet the odds of them seeing VH1 Celebreality are fairly good, and I can hardly blame them for changing their collective hive-minds and turning back around to catch the end of Desperate Housewives. (Teri Hatcher will you marry me?)

The only question I have is, if these aliens DO decide to join our fucked up little mud ball society, will it adversely impact me more than most humans already do?

Will they, for example, be able to drive better than Asians? The Answer: Yes, if they can navigate across an infinite void I’m pretty sure they can understand a Yield sign at 35 mph. 

Another question I have is, do these beings have enough foresight and common courtesy that we can allow them to go to school with our kids?  I severely doubt that they will be taking death-rays and paring knives to our inner-city middle schools and vaporizing their classmates and teachers while selling drugs to each other unlike SOME minorities in this country.  So I say. “Welcome to public education my interstellar friends”. 

One more thing to decide upon before we open our hearts and minds to these bug eyed monsters is how tolerant are they of other cultures?  Will they, just for example, start a guerilla war which will last for centuries?  Bombing and burning the houses and businesses of other people just because they share some minor difference in which fictional deity they worship or which group of them get to live in a corner of some shit-hole litter box country?  Odds are, if aliens are like that they would have eventually killed themselves off entirely. (Here’s hoping you filthy fucking Jawas)

Finally, a very important question, will we allow these E.Ts citizenship and all the privileges that come with it? If they can organize their administration well enough with out the use existence of committees, sub-committees and focus groups I welcome the input. Though maybe they just shoved all of their elected officials into air-locks and ejected into the icy void of space to the sound of cheering. (Just an idea for NASA to contemplate) I see no problem with a hydrocephalic, gray skinned Senator anyway.  If Strom Thurmond can do it, anything else would be a double standard.

 There ya go.  If you read this far I applaud the effort and wish my life was as boring as yours.  If you were offended by any of my generalizations or stereotypes I used, I would just like to point out that I made fun of everyone.  So fuck off.  No one got preferential treatment and the important minorities were mentioned.  All of you inferior beings are equal in my scornful eyes so I cold care less if you disagree.  Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and they all stink. 

So I’m a tired little penguin now and am off to melt my brain with some TV or a similar supplement.  I hope this reminds you of what a sensitive, sweet guy I am and the problems that are associated with being the only boy and middle child.