Hello you adorable little bastards! It’s me again. I finally bribed the Supreme Court into letting me blog again with a drum of Metamucil and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Old people are so easy to please.

Today at dinner, my friend Shawn and I got to talking about the government (da’ Man) and the various urban legends that shroud it. 

Example: Did the Government have anything to do with the assassination of JFK? 
Answer: I don’t fucking care.
Seriously, if the White House admitted to having “Pretty-boy Kennedy” killed, I would be more concerned about the inevitable shitty movie that Hollywood will release to recreate the event. Kennedy was dead before I was born, they probably had a good reason to terminate him like that (or not, it still doesn’t matter), and it’s obvious that the results of a rich white boy catching lead with his cortex didn’t affect me that much even if he was the president.

 Now that is just an example of one of the topics we covered.  Another issue addressed was that of “alien existence”.  Does the government know?  Probably not.  This still does not change the fact that if aliens in fact DO exist it’s probably at their request that they remain a secret. Face it, if these organisms can travel across light years of space to reach our planet the odds of them seeing VH1 Celebreality are fairly good, and I can hardly blame them for changing their collective hive-minds and turning back around to catch the end of Desperate Housewives. (Teri Hatcher will you marry me?)

The only question I have is, if these aliens DO decide to join our fucked up little mud ball society, will it adversely impact me more than most humans already do?

Will they, for example, be able to drive better than Asians? The Answer: Yes, if they can navigate across an infinite void I’m pretty sure they can understand a Yield sign at 35 mph. 

Another question I have is, do these beings have enough foresight and common courtesy that we can allow them to go to school with our kids?  I severely doubt that they will be taking death-rays and paring knives to our inner-city middle schools and vaporizing their classmates and teachers while selling drugs to each other unlike SOME minorities in this country.  So I say. “Welcome to public education my interstellar friends”. 

One more thing to decide upon before we open our hearts and minds to these bug eyed monsters is how tolerant are they of other cultures?  Will they, just for example, start a guerilla war which will last for centuries?  Bombing and burning the houses and businesses of other people just because they share some minor difference in which fictional deity they worship or which group of them get to live in a corner of some shit-hole litter box country?  Odds are, if aliens are like that they would have eventually killed themselves off entirely. (Here’s hoping you filthy fucking Jawas)

Finally, a very important question, will we allow these E.Ts citizenship and all the privileges that come with it? If they can organize their administration well enough with out the use existence of committees, sub-committees and focus groups I welcome the input. Though maybe they just shoved all of their elected officials into air-locks and ejected into the icy void of space to the sound of cheering. (Just an idea for NASA to contemplate) I see no problem with a hydrocephalic, gray skinned Senator anyway.  If Strom Thurmond can do it, anything else would be a double standard.

 There ya go.  If you read this far I applaud the effort and wish my life was as boring as yours.  If you were offended by any of my generalizations or stereotypes I used, I would just like to point out that I made fun of everyone.  So fuck off.  No one got preferential treatment and the important minorities were mentioned.  All of you inferior beings are equal in my scornful eyes so I cold care less if you disagree.  Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and they all stink. 

So I’m a tired little penguin now and am off to melt my brain with some TV or a similar supplement.  I hope this reminds you of what a sensitive, sweet guy I am and the problems that are associated with being the only boy and middle child.